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Jokes & Stories
I frequently receive some
jokes and stories from my friends.
I have compiled all the "goodies" that I got into this
page.
For more archive on the net.
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It's more of a chinese to english translation joke. So, hope u could understand it.
Here is a story about Deng Xiao Ping.
Lunch meeting
between China's helmsman, Deng Xiao Ping and the US
president George Bush.
The first time
George visited Deng in Beijing, the two had an official
lucheon at the Great Hall of the People with their respective
wives and
accompanying translators.
George commented to
Deng, "Your wife is very beautiful." Deng's translator
(a Chinese national) relayed the message to his boss, "ni de
tai tai hen
piao liang." ("Your wife is very beautiful") to
which Deng flushed with
embarrassment, gave a humble reply, "na li, na li"
("you are too kind").
George's
translator, all too eager to show off to his president what
Chinese he understood, blurted off to the US president,
"Where? Where?"
Deng's reply took
George by surprise. Trying to be diplomatic, George
said, "Oh, everything about her is beautiful. " In his
Asian humility,
Deng said, " Bu jian de, bu jian de" ("not so, not so").
Deng's translator
relayed to George, "Cannot see, cannot see. "George was
aghast, fearing that the pleasantries had taken a wrong turn.
Realizing
the complexity of the situation, he muttered to himself, "I
see, I see."
Deng, in turn,
turned red in anger when the translator told him, "Ta kan
guo le?" (George has seen it already?)
Back to top
Prince Charles is
driving over to Camilia's place, as he turns into the
gate and runs over Camilia's favourite dog. Squashes it flat,
quite dead.
Charles is not
looking forward to telling Camilia. He parks his car and as
he is going towards the house he sees an old lamp in the ditch.
He picks
it up and tries to clean it off and, yes - You've got it, the
Genie comes out.
"I AM VERY OLD
AND I'VE BEEN IMPRISONED IN THAT LAMP FOR DECADES. I'M SO
WEAK I CAN ONLY GRANT YOU ONE WISH TO SHOW MY GRATITUDE. I WILL
DO MY
BEST TO FULFIL YOUR WISH."
Charles thinks for
a minute "Bring back Camilia's dog to life" he says.
The
Genie inspects the dog but regrets that it really is so dead that
he
doesn't have the power to revive it. "Pick another wish, he
tells Charles.
Charles thinks again and says "MAKE CAMILIA BEAUTIFUL".
"Hang on" says the Genie, "Let me take another look at that dog.....
Back to top
HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION BULLETIN
ELEMENT: WOMAN
SYMBOL : WO
DISCOVERER: ADAM
ATOMIC MASS: Accepted as 53.6kg, but known to vary from 40 - 200
kg.
OCURRENCES: Copious quantities in all urban areas.
PHYSICAL
PROPERTIES:
1. Surface usually covered with painted film.
2. Boils at nothing, freezes without any known reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common
ore.
6. Yields if pressure applied to correct point.
CHEMICAL
PROPERTIES:
1. Has great affirmity for gold, silver and a range of precious
stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no
known reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity increases by saturation of
alcohol.
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.
COMMON USES:
1. Highly ornamented, especially in sports car.
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Very effective cleaning agent.
TESTS:
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the
natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.
HAZARDS:
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one, altho' several can be
maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not
come into direct contact with each other.
Back to top
Husband : (A
software engineer, returning from work) "Evening dear,
I'm now logged in "
Wife : Have you brought the ring?
Husband : Bad Command or file name.
Wife : But I had told you in the morn......
Husband : Erroneous syntax. Abort?
Wife : What about my diwali saree?
Husband : Variable not found...
Wife : Do you love
me or do you only love computers or
are you just being funny?
Husband : Too many parameters.
Wife : It was a grave mistake that I married an idiot
likeyou.
Husband : A true case of data type mismatch.
Wife : You are a useless nut.
Husband : It's by DEFAULT.
Wife : What about U'r salary.
Husband : File in use.
Wife : Who was in the car this morning.
Husband : System is unstable press CTRL + ALT + DEL to
reboot.
Back to top
Once there was a
philosopher doing a survey on a group of men, on
this topic of happiness. He shouted "I can prove to you that
the
amount of happiness has relation to the amount of sex you
have!"
Out to prove this
he glanced at his audience.
And he saw a man at the right hand corner, smiling,
"Sir, How often to do have sex ?" the philosopher asked
"Once a month." the man answered
Looking for another
happy face, he spotted a man in the middle,
having a bigger smile.
And he asked him "Sir, How often do you have sex?"
"Once a week. " the man shouted
Trying to prove his theory further, he saw another man laughing.
"You seem to
be a very happy man, So how often do you have sex?"
"Well...
everyday" the happy man answered.
"There, I am
right ...the amount of happiness has relation to the
amount of sex you have" said the philosopher
But far off at the
end of the room, he saw a man with his hands in
the air. laughing and jumping with so much happiness.
So the philosopher said to him "You sure look like a very
happy man?"
"Yes ..Yes ..
Yes" answered the very happy man "So how often do
you get to have sex?" the philosopher asked.
The man answered " Once a year...."
The puzzled and
embarrassed philosopher asked the man "WHAT ???
...Then why are you so happy ??"
The man while
laughing, and jumping said:
"IT'S TONIGHT...IT'S TONIGHT!!!!!"
Back to top
Shatabdi express
from Bombay to Delhi stopped amidst thick forest.
Suddenly few dacoits enter the train with syringes filled with
blood.
They announce that they have HIV infected blood in the syringe,
any
passenger not willing to give his belongings will be injected and
has to
suffer from AIDS. One Singh sitting in a corner seat smiles. All
passengers start giving their belongings. Docoits start
collecting from
one by one but our Singh refuses to give in even though he did
not
have much belongings. Dacoits warn him that they will inject him
with
the blood but Singh starts laughing. The dacoits inject him with
the
virus and take off. All passengers gather round him and ask why
he
refused to separate with his belongings at the cost of his life .
The
Singh replies " You see they didn't know that I was wearing
a condom "!!
Back to top
A lawyer named
Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone
maker to inscribe on his tombstone,
"Here lies
Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."
The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be
confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were
buried under the stone.
However he
suggested an alternative: He would inscribe,
"Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.
That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it,
they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"
Back to top
Upon arriving home,
a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist - he insulted me
terribly this
morning on the phone." Immediately the husband drove
downtown to confront
the druggist and demand an apology.
Before he could say
more than a word or two, the druggist told him,
"Now, just a minute - listen to my side of it. This morning
the
alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without
breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I
locked
the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a
window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a
speeding
ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I
had a flat
tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people
waiting
for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on
these
people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the
hook."
He continued,
"Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash
register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the
floor. I got
down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone was
still ringing - when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash
drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a
bunch of
perfume bottles on it...half of them hit the floor and broke.
Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I
finally
got back to answer it. It was your wife - she wanted to know how
to
use a rectal thermometer...
...and believe me, Mister, I TOLD HER!"
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A boy and his date
were parked on a back road some distance from
town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance
from town, when the girl stopped the boy.
"I really
should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a
hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid
her,
and they did their thing.
After the
cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat
looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?"
asked the girl.
"Well, I
should have mentioned this before, but I'm
actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."
Back to top
I have one
You have one
Your mother uses your father's one
A married lady would possess one
A divorced lady would loose her one
A Pope doesn't use his one
Lee Kuan Yew has a short-short one
Mao Ze Dong had a hairy one
Lord Krishna had a long-long one
Arnold Schwarzenneger has a longer one
Michael J. Fox has a shorter one
Madonna doesn't have one
The Chinese usually have short ones
While the Indian usually have long ones
Do you have one?
How long is your one?
Which one is your preferred one?
The
answer is - Surname
Back to top
LOCAL BUS ROUTE......
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and
engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them
ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is
galvanized
when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together.
I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again
and pee
twice.
Then I come once-a-more."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady
indignantly.
"In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in
public|"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma just
tellun my friend
howa to spella Mississippi."
Back to top
24
Things to
Always Remember...
and One Thing Never to Forget...
Your presence is a present to the world.
You're unique and one of a kind.
Your life can be what you want it to be.
Take the days just one at a time.
Count your blessings, not your troubles.
You'll make it through whatever comes along.
Within you are so many answers.
Understand, have courage, be strong.
Don't put limits on yourself.
So many dreams are waiting to be realized.
Decisions are too important to leave to chance.
Reach for your peak, your goal, and your prize.
Nothing wastes more energy than worrying.
The longer one caries a problem, the heavier it
gets.
Don't take things too seriously.
Live a life of serenity, not a life of regrets.
Remember that a little love goes a long way.
Remember that a lot . . . goes forever.
Remember that friendship is a wise investment.
Life's treasures are people . . . together.
Realize that it's never to late.
Do ordinary things in extraordinary ways.
Have health and hope and happiness.
Take the time to wish upon a star.
And don't ever forget . . .
For even a day . . .
How very special you are.
Back to top
A man is
out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost.
It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides
what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves
and
under trees.
One
afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines
covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in
the
area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying
someone is home.
He knocks
on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down
to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says "What
do you want?"
The man
says "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't
had a
decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if
I
could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight"
The old
Chinese man says "I'll let you come in on one condition:
You cannot mess around with my grandaughter"
The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying "I
promise I
won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tommorrow
morning"
The old Chinese man counters "Ok, but if I do catch you then
I'll give
you the three worst chinese torture tests ever known to
man."
"Ok, Ok" the man said as he entered the old house.
Besides, he thought to
himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all
her life?
Well, that
night, when the man came down to eat (after showering),
he saw how beautiful the grandaughter was. She was an absolute
pearl,
and while he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many,
many
months without companionship. And the girl had only seen the
occasional
monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn't
keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal.
That
night, the man snuck into the girls' bedroom and they had quite a
time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The man crept
back to
his room later that night thinking to himself, "Any three
torture tests
would be worth it after that experience."
Well, the
next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest.
He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On
the
rock was a sign saying "1st Chinese torture test: 100 lb
rock on your
chest". "What a lame torture test" the man thought
to himself as he
got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and
threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock is another sign
saying
"2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right
testicle".
The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be
grabbed,
jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window is third
sign
saying "3rd worst Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied
to bedpost".
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One day in
math class the teacher asks Johnny the following question.
"If there are 4 birds on a fence and you shoot one, how many
birds are
left on the fence?" Johnny replies, "None, because
after I shoot the
first bird, the others will fly away." The teacher says,
"Well, the
correct answer is 'three birds', but I like your thinking."
So Johnny
says, "Well I have a question for you... There are three
women in an ice cream shop eating ice cream cones. The first
woman is
licking the cone. The second woman is biting the cone. And the
third
woman is sucking the cone. Which one is married?" The
teacher replies,
"I
don't know. I guess the one that is sucking the cone." To
which
Johnny says, "Well the correct answer is 'the one with the
wedding
ring', but I like your thinking."
Back to top
As Mr.
Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that
would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth
with
him. He called for the three men he trusted most - his lawyer,
his
doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to give
you each
$30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place
the
money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me."
All three agreed
to do this and were given the money.
At the
funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an
envelope inside. While riding in the limousine to the cemetery,
the
clergyman said "I have to confess something to you fellows.
Brother
Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have
wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very
badly,
and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only
put
$20,000 in the coffin." The physician then said, "Well,
since we're
confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't
put the full
$30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have
been
diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine
cost
$20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the
money to buy
the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I
know that
Smith would have wanted me to do that." The lawyer then
said, "I'm
ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin,
it held
my personal check for the full $30,000."
Back to top
During the
heat of the space race in the 1960's, the U.S. National
Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ball
point pen to
write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After
considerable
research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a
cost of $1
million U.S. the pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success
as a
novelty item back here on earth.
The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.
Back to top
A hunter
was in a tree with his muzzle loader when he sees a bear
coming down the path. He takes careful aim and fires. The smoke
clears
and he peers down at the path. No bear! The hunter feels a tap on
his
shoulder, looks behind him and sees the bear. "Were you
trying to kill
me?" the bear growls. "No, no, of course not."
"I don't believe you"
responded the bear. Without another word, the bear throws the
hunter
over the branch and proceeds to screw the hell out of him.
The next
day the hunter brought his AR-15. He climbed up the same
tree and waited. Sure enough, here came the bear. The hunter lets
fly with
a dozen rounds. The smokes clears; no bear! TAP, TAP. The hunter
slowly looked around at the bear. "Just target shooting, I
suppose"
says the bear. "Uh, well" the hunter mumbled. Without
waiting for
another word, the bear throws the hunter over a tree limb and
proceeds
to screw him again.
The next
day the hunter borrows a machine gun from a friend.
He climbs into the tree and waits. The bear arrives and the
hunter empties
the clip. Smoke clears; no bear. Tap, tap. The hunter looks
around again.
The bear says, "You really aren't here for the hunting, are
you?"
Back to top
I took
some clients out to dinner last week, and I noticed
a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter as he handed us the
menus.
It seemed a little odd, but I dismissed it as a random thing.
Until
our busboy came with water & tableware; he, too, sported a
spoon in
his breast- pocket. I looked around the room, and all the
waiters,
waitresses, busboys, etc. had spoons in their pockets.
When our
waiter returned to take our order, I just had to ask,
"Why the spoons?" "Well," he explained,
"our parent company
recently hired some efficiency experts to review all our
procedures,
and after months of statistical analyses, they concluded that our
patrons drop spoons on the floor 73% more often than any other
utensil at a frequency of 3 spoons per hour per workstation.
By preparing all our workers for this contingency in advance, we
can
cut our trips to the kitchen down and save time... nearly 1.5
extra
man hours per shift." Just as he concluded, a
"ch-ching" came from
the table behind him, and he quickly replaced a fallen spoon with
the one from his pocket. "I'll grab another spoon the next
time
I'm in the kitchen instead of making a special trip," he
proudly
explained. I was impressed. "Thanks. I had to ask."
"No problem,"
he answered, then he continued to take our orders. As the members
of my dinner party took their turns, my eyes darted back &
forth
from each person ordering and my menu. That's when, out of the
corner of my eye, I spotted a thin, black thread protruding from
our waiter's fly. Again, I dismissed it; yet I had to scan the
room and, sure enough, there were other waiters & busboys
with
strings hanging out of their trousers. My curiosity overrode
discretion at this point, so before he could leave I had to ask.
"Excuse me, but...uh...why, or what...about that
string?"
"Oh,
yeah" he began in a quieter tone."Not many people are
that
observant. That same efficiency group found we could save time in
the Men's room, too." "How's that?" "You see,
by tying a string to
the end of our, eh, SELVES, we can pull it out at the urinals
literally hands-free and thereby eliminate the need to wash our
hands, cutting time spent in the restroom by over 93%!"
"Oh, that
makes sense," I said, thinking thru the process. "Hey,
wait-a-minute. If the string helps you pull it out, how to you
get it back in?" "Well," he whispered, "I
don't know about the
other guys; but I use my spoon."
Back to top
A
politician awoke in a hospital bed after a complecated operation,
and
found that the curtains were drwn around him. "Why are the
curtains
closed," he said. "Is it night?"
A nurse
replied, "No, it is just that there is a fire across the
street,
and we didn't want you waking up and thinking that the operation
was
unsuccessful."
Back to top
A grad student, a
post-doc, and a professor are walking through a city
park and they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie
comes
out in a puff of smoke.
The Genie says,
"I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of
you just one."
"Me first! Me
first!" says the grad student. "I want to be in the
Bahamas, driving a speedboat with a gorgeous woman who sunbathes
topless."
Poof! He's gone.
"Me next! Me
next!" says the post-doc. "I want to be in Hawaii,
relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side
and a Mai
Tai on the other." Poof! He's gone.
"You're next," the Genie says to the professor.
The professor says, "I want those guys back in the lab after lunch."
Back to top
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Laugh Web
http://world.std.com/~joeshmoe/laughweb/
Laughing Internet (Main)
http://www.kilo.net/tli/index.html
The Laugh Factory
http://www.laughfactory.com/
If there is a broken link, pls let me know.
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[Main page | Chinese Ver-首頁-中文版 | Electronics Hobby | Jokes & Stories| Hacker Site | About Me | Email
to me]
[Software Download | Free
stuff | MP3/Midi Links | Favorite
Links | Programming Page| My
friends]
This page
will always update if I receive Jokes /Stories from friends.
Jokes & Stories page
Created by YC Lee
Special
thanks to KA Gan, KK Kwok & KP Chia. Most of the jokes was
contributed by them.
Last
updated : 22-May-98
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